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Zombie Survival Kit is a registered trademark of Big Fish Games and Destructoid.com
Revision not 3/Serial Number 8679309
Your friends and family are dead, you are on the run form a horde of zombies. You're also really hungry.
You are in an open wood. You came from the east, but not Japan, bro. There are snarling man sounds to behind you and to the west. A river to the north, sun obscured woods to the south what do you do?
>Go North
You'll fall in and drown in 2 inches of water. You can't swim, remember dummy?
>Go West
Really? Didn't I tell you about snarling man sounds?
>Damn God
That's real mature.
>Go South
The setting sun obscures your vision just enough that you don't see the ridge in front of you. You fall down. Go boom.
You get up, hoping no zombies heard your fall. Your not wearing a funny hat of freshly fallen leaves. Very autumn chic. If the would hadn't just ended a few days ago, you'd be all the rage.
Cars that obviously won't start anymore block your path to the east and west. It's not like you can drive any way, with physics like these.
A lone house with attached garage seems invitingly untouched by the ravages of the current, non-economic, apocalypse. What bad could possibly go wrong?
Your stomach growls.
>Check Door
Be more specific.
>Check Front Door
Tightly Locked. Possibly blocked from the inside.
I'll ask again, what bad could possibly go wrong?
>Check Garage Door
Unless you have the opener in your butt, this thing isn't going to budge. Does feel weakly constructed though.
>Slam Door
The door was even weaker then I thought.
You crash through it like the Kool-aid Man. OHHHHHH YEEEEEEAH!
Behind you the garage roof caves in, blocking your path behind you. Like life, you have a knack for not being able to turn back. There is a door to the west.
>Check door
Locked, but doesn't seem blocked. There are no screws or hinges on this side. The owners must have thought the garage door would hold. Boy we taught them.
>Shout
Shout, let it all out. These are the things I can do without --cause there isn't any response.
>Look Around
There is a bunch of stuff here, would take days to go through. This isn't that type of game.
Immediately around you are some loose tools and the usual assortment of jars with random things.
>Look At Tools
There's a shovel, a hoe (get your mind out of the gutter), a screw driver.
>Take Screwdriver
(Screw driver pick with words: for when things get screwy)
>Check Door
Still a door
>Use Screwdriver
Told you there were no exposed screws. But if you must: You try to pry the door with the screwdriver. The screwdriver breaks.
You now owe the owners $2.75. Time to raise your debt ceiling.
> Check Jars
You dump some jars over and get repulsed by the amount of belly button lint these people kept. Enough to start a new human. There are some screws and some paperclips though.
>Take Paperclips
(Paper clip picture with words: No clipping bugs here)
>Check Door
Do I need to say it again?
>Pick Lock
You didn't know you had the skills of a seasoned thief, but with a little doing you use the paperclips and screwdriver to pop the lock.
You are the master of unlocking!
You are in a pretty nice kitchen directly off of a living room area. Not your style, but who's stupid enough to be picky these days?
>Check Cabinets
All empty. Though neat, someone must have left in a hurry.
>Check Drawers
Mostly empty. Who takes their silverware with them?
There is a pair of scissors here though.
You hear a deep African American voice in your head, telling you to, "keep that hair short."
Pretty weird, huh Zach?
>Take Scissors
(Scissor's pic with: Cut. It. Out.)
> Look around
Not much else here. Comfy living room nearby.
>Go To Living Room.
Another nice room, still not your style, unless your a grandma; then it's the tits.
You see pictures of a family here. At closer inspection you decide those are the pictures that came with the frame, unless the owners had 5 families.
How lonely.
Anyway, nothing out of the ordinary, unless you count the bloody box on the table in the corner.
>Bloody Box
It's not nice to cuss, even if it's in classy British slang
>Inspect Bloody Box
(Box Picture: Is it just strawberry sauce?)
The box appears to be a package that have been post marked shortly before the fall of man.
Box reads: "Zombie Survival Kit"
Odd. The owners seem to have taken every other important item, including silverware, but not this.
Maybe the blood scared them away? Silly germaphobes.
>Open Box
Taped as tight as a tiger. These people didn't even look inside. I guess they do say curiosity killed the cat.
>Use Scissors
The box, made of cardboard, lets out an odd, chest like, creak. Your surprised you aren't met with twinkly music too.
We don't have the budget for all these images. Inside the box is: $100 gift card; Spam; A Nerf Gun; A Swiss Army Knife w/ 8gb USB; Dogtags, Carabiner; Hand Wipes; Flashlight; Multipurpose Glow Stick; Camouflage Netting.
>Take All
Way to be greedy.
Your Stomach Growls.
>Eat Spam
That sounds nice, doesn't it? But Gordon Ramsey would probably tell you that Spam alone will not do. Or that your a donkey.
He's way harsh Ty.
>Look around
Not much other then an empty box and some nick knacks. There is a door to a bathroom nearby though.
>Look Bathroom
Nice bathroom. Strangely you like it better then the rest of your house. You must have been an Italian plumber in a past life.
There is something catching your eye, poking out from inside the bathtub.
>Check Bathtub
Well doesn't that beat all. It's a pineapple.
You think you should trust bathtub pineapple, Zach? It could make you go blind.
>Take Pineapple
Like the Brady Bunch, you can now go Hawaiian.
You hear an odd thumping.
Your stomach growls. And before you ask, that isn't the source of the thumping, Iron Man.
>Eat Spam
You're not a barbarian. Unless you are; what class did you pick again?
Either way, you need a kitchen for this.
>Go Kitchen
Well?
>Eat Spam
This stuff, especially pineapples, doesn't cut itself
>Use Pocket Knife
Handy.
Thump thump thump
>Eat Spam
Now you know why they eat it this way. That was good.
Thump thump thump
>Look Living Room
There is a shadow moving around the living room.
>Use Camo Net
There's not enough ficus' in here to warrant a forest, aside from the funny leaf hat your still wearing. If this was covered with Hummel Figures, you'd be set.
>Use Nerf Gun
You hit it. Nice shot kid, but don't get cocky.
Most things are impervious to foam darts. Try again.
> Use LED Flashlight
You stop the shadow from moving erratically.
But now it's coming right for you.
What now Mr. Bright Ideas? (Get it? Because: Puns)
>Throw Cash Card
What a waste of money. You plainly see this guy can't be bought.
The Shadow lurches towards you and you realize it isn't the Slender Man - he apparently hasn't arrived at all- but a much more sinister being.. One with much better hair.. And there's nothing you can do to stop him now.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Cough.. Gasp.. Wheeze.. Cough)
Thank-you for try-ing to play with GLaDOS to-day. We will-not cont-in-ue be-cause you-are-no-fun. There is cake in the lob-bee. Have-a-nice-day.
Seriously though. Thank you to Big Fish Games and Destructoid for my contest prize. You guys are awesome.
The $100 gift card should be the thing that makes me happiest (and trust me, it makes me happy), but honestly it's the Swiss Army Knife w/ USB drive that I love the most about this. It appears to be high quality and it's something I'll actually use.
I've also never had Spam before, but always wanted to try it; so what better time then now, right? I figure if there are whole diners and such in Hawaii devoted to the stuff.
If you haven't already, buy Zombie Zombie Zombie (or Zombie X3) from Big Fish Games. Don't even think about it. Go.. Go NOW!
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